Day 1

“Make me, don’t break me…”

5:42 am.

7 m and 39 secs down
239 h, 52 m, 19 secs left…

This is the story of how a former (asthmatic) pot smoker and pork fat back lover will survive 10 days on the famous Master Cleanse (referred to hereafter as “MC“) aka “Lemonade Diet” aka “How Beyonce briefly lost her booty in 2007″.

10 days is the minimum sentence as told by originator, Stanley Burroughs, in his counterculture manifesto written way back when people still thought OJ meant orange juice (and drinking too much of it didn’t give you a rash).

Burroughs claimed his magic potion = lemons, water, mayple syrup, and cayenne pepper could work miracles – curing all sorts of major malignancies (cancer), chronic whatzits (allergies) and whathaveyous (GERD, arthritis), even a broken heart with the metal rods still in place.

It’s definitely worth a read or two. At 30 pages, you could finish it in less than an hour. Download it free here: Master Cleanse PDF.

It all sounds too good to be true, and though I’m definitely not expecting any miracles, I couldn’t sleep last night.

I tossed and jittered at the question mark floating just above my head:

10…

…days…

…without…

…food.

Yes, I am total loon… I have willingly thrown myself into this abyss of starvation all in the name of better health. Funny how not eating for health reasons has become so hip and fashionable.

Is it really in the name of health?

I mean Beyonce had a whole lotta back before she tried, but it wasn’t like homegirl was fat by any stretch of the yarn. Maybe folks have found another way to reduce their carbon footprint. Fasters consume less of everything, while they’re fasting…

My reasons are simple: I’m vain, I live to experiment on my body and I love martyrdom. I already hear my thoughts as I walk the halls at work. “Hey, look at me, I’m not eating on purpose, ain’t I cool?” “Don’t you wanna ask me how punishing it is for me to watch you eat your clue cheese and bacon cheesburger with sauteed onions and cheddar fries while all I get to have is…this?”

Cue endearing pout and breathless sigh.

Which is the other reason I’m up so early today. I have to get in the habit of making my breakfast, lunch and dinner all at once. If you’re not gainfully employed (or you’re so damn rich you don’t have to ever be anywhere you don’t want to be), feel free to whip up a single serving at a time and while fantasizing about all the culinary delights you won’t be sampling in the forseeable future.

For a worker bee like me, I have to make enough MC to get through the streets of New York City and back again without being forced to bite an innocent, unsuspecting ass for some sustenance.

As the sun halos my body in the early morning light, I wait for the cramp jabbingme in the stomach to make it’s peace and move on. Part of the gear up for the MC is drinking a cup of Smooth Move (“SM“) laxative tea just before bed the night before. The cramp has stalled and dropped anchor just above my groin.

It would be so damn easy to pull the plug and cook some eggs; smash a banana into my pumpkin-flax granola and suck down a blueberry-pineapple smoothie wet with carrot juice, almond mike and aloe vera gel (whole leaf, not inner fillet).

It’s definitely not a problem to stay in my place as a run of the mill health nut and max out my sense of organic food entitlement at Whole Paycheck–err, I mean Whole Foods.

Eff it. I’m awake now. I have lemons, it’s time to make lemonade.

My lifeline for the next 229.35 hours and counting is:

*2 tablespoons fresh, organic lemon juice.

*2 tablespoons grade B Maple syrup (Shady Maple Farms, Spring Tree, Coombs — all good as long as its grade b for the extra nutrients).

*1/10th teaspoon of cayenne pepper.

*8 ounces (measured) filtered or distilled water.

Stir.
Pour into waiting 64 oz. beverage lunch box.
Repeat 5-7 more times depending on your lunch box size.

Technically, it’s fine to drink as many glasses as you can stand.

Well, that’s it for the intro. Gotta get crackin’ to hit the gym before work….

It’s about 1:30 in the afternoon and out of the 8 cups of MC I made at 5:30 this morning , I’m down to just over a cup and a half.

I-A-M-F-U-C-K-I-N-G-S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G!

I miscalculated my lack hunger and had a full-on gym workout before heading to an 8 hour day at work. I wasn’t hungry at 6 this morning when I left the house and clearly I wasn’t awake either.

Which is leading me to ask myself: Why I’m doing this again? The simply answer floats back from the abyss…”You want to get kill your allergies, asthma, lose those creeping love handles and have more energy than a 3 year old hopped up on skittles…you also might lower your chances of getting some form of male breast cancer and dying from it like your mother and your sister did 21 months apart, 2 years ago…

I take another half-swig to stretch my nourishment until quittin’ time. I also swig on filtered water for filler and make another cup of Peppermint Tea (“PT“), which gives me a new fresh n cool taste to savor. PT also deodorizes the funk as your body goes into E-Z Bake Oven clean mode during the MC.
By the way, I’m a running piss faucet. I think I’ll send an email to the facilites department requesting a piss bucket under my desk.

My head still throbs and there’s a gnawing, burning in the pit of my stomach. My tongue is furry and my breath smells like old shit. The good news is … my head hurts a little less than it did a hour ago.

My sense of smell is bionic. On yet another trip to the men’s room (I noticed one of the roving security guards eyeing me — men’s rooms aren’t my style, dude, trust me).

On the way back I was assaulted by canned Progresso minestrone soup, Starbucks house blend with half-n-half, topped off with a mash-up of onion armpit and pricey cologne. Odor, oh dear. We really stink as a species

Again, I ask myself the question and the answer comes back the same: I am doing this because it’s good for my health. I’ve learned a great lesson very recently about life:

Things sometimes have to get really, really bad before they can become really, really good.

Stay with me people…at least until tomorrow.

Tip of the day: The first day of the MC is like no other: It’s the first day without food and the last day you’ll ever forget that fact.

~JG